I Am Irelevant


April 28, 2010, 9:05 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

You are on the 2nd page of google results for genderqueer. Shocking? Not very.

One return. One cigarette and a swing, and then a month: Work, classes, fucking, weed, cigarettes, shared old spice deodorant, nerves, song lyrics, cold air, hot bodies, bending gender, bruising spines, morning coffee

I dont even look at him now

we pass

we look ahead

its hard for me

I want to reach out to him

I wonder if its easy for him to breeze past me like he never kissed my face to calm my fears, never bruised my thighs or stroked my back, or lay on me when I needed weight to calm my senses

And hes in love with V. I met her, she was nice, sweet smile.

And I just want to go to a lake or a mountain like a pathetic poet and just Scream WHY

because… I built him a home in me without even thinking and now its empty and the vaccum is so heavy

whenever work or life slows down eough for me to think I am so aware of what is missing:

A hoodie that smells of rum and weed. A scratch mark. A text that says Lets go for a drive.



Faith
April 27, 2010, 5:31 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

We all talk about Faith. Who is Christian, Jewish, Quaker, what it means. I liked the sound of Quaker, I believe there is a spark, I can not really hate anyone, not the most painful strike against me ignites that feeling for long. It is replaced with a melancholia and a wish to understand why you would strike me.

I feel like I am looking in from the outside at a dream when I see a change in him. I am hovering over like God above an atheist, who lives oblivious and rejecting of so much love. I am a fool, I do not mind, I bless you with my heart like you were my child.

Keep being brave, keep being beautiful. If ever you look for me, I will be here.





April 27, 2010, 6:21 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Good friends and leather converse may be 80% of what I need in life.



New Soul
April 27, 2010, 6:12 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I will learn how to drive me.



Resignment=peace?
April 26, 2010, 8:55 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I listened to War

“if you want me, I’m your country. If you win me I’m forever”

“I can hear the cannons calling”

I will deny it and out it outside in the yard where the vines creep , but the feelings I had/have for that person;I’ve never known anything like it. Certainly I’ve felt strongly before, but I sort of accepted it this time in a slightly different way. I resigned myself to it without a fight; that no matter what I would be and do whatever for him. And I didn’t MIND. It felt right to care for him as well as I knew how.  And I am still doing it, thats why I never speak to him, or ask how he is; I look ahead, I walk away- because thats what he wants.



And I can say I never left any one of you
April 22, 2010, 1:15 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

Never give up loving unless you have to
Never give up loving unless you must
‘Cause it will haunt you in the future
It’ll try to crawl in your bed at night

Never leave your lover unless he makes you
Even then, you’ll probably always miss him
He will visit in your dreams


Somedays aren’t yours at all,
They come and go
As if they’re someone else’s days

They come in all quiet
Sweep up and then they leave



April 21, 2010, 6:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

My Alcoholic Friends