I Am Irelevant


And That’s the Way It Used to Be
April 1, 2010, 11:41 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

These are old. They are still true. Because they were true.

MAY 5, 2009

I have been pondering this and I know it isn’t quite compatible with my outgoingness.. but the fact remains, I am SO INSECURE.
I just feel like people don’t like me, like I’m ugly, like I’m not that bright, like I’m not that nice, like I self-pity too much, like I’m really socially useless, like people are looking at me
Not at the time, but WAY too often.

you could TERRIFY ME
if I walked past you I’d totally pretend to be reading a text on my phone
Thats so SILLY
but I am mortified of saying hello in passing and having someone ignore me

and like even when I know things
I need constant reassurance
I am only JUST getting to the point where I can tell myself I have good friends and they like me, and I can call them. I could do that, they wouldn’t mind, I think.
Its just so excessive, I feel like I have normal issues, but to such an excess.
I do everything to excess, and its strange, its like my brain doesn’t do moderation.

Do I take shit from people?
I mean… I fight I argue when I think I’m right
But I also assume the best of others and look for ways in which their bhv could be acceptable.

I take shit from people I get involved with.
Bruises
Being ignored
Lack of consent
Being led on
Commitment-phobic
Unrecognized issues
Being cheated on
Rude
Drug-addicts

Julia: you need someone NICE
not someone sexily dangerous

JUNE 21, 2009

KHAOS
Reading Khaos always makes me think of muscles.
cause Maria in the comic is trans and gets the nickname tomboy shortened to tom
and then he gets pissed cause he wants to be strong and does all this martial arts

I get VERY pissed about people thinking I’m girly or weak or when they hurt me and I don’t do anything.
And I don’t wanna be a guy or anything, I just want to be strong.
So the next time someone breaks my heart I can deck em in the face.

I’m not a fan of violence, or even anger, I get angry at situations but not at people. I don’t even feel any kind of permanent anger towards D or J or K or …maybe strangest of all, R.

I feel the better person for accepting the pain in my life and not dole-ing out any more to other people. Who am I to punish anyone, if they’re bad people it wont make a difference, and if they’re good people their own guilt is the greatest and only punishment they need. At the same time, people can hurt me, and they do. It’s true of everyone, though I think most people feel more anger and less hurt than I do.

If only I could feel less weak maybe I wouldn’t need to hurt anyone or be angry, I’d just FEEL tough, like I could take it, and it wasn’t a big deal. And instead of lying in bed crying, I’d swim, or kayak, or ride, or punch one of those punchbags you can get to hang from the ceiling.

I’m happy to be in England, but I miss horseriding.

Missing: Julia, Claire, Beth, Red, Jessie, Schmi, JAYKE

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