I Am Irelevant

April 2, 2010, 3:43 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

This past week has been a bit overwhelming, has it been one week or two…. two. Damn.

It’s just proof that when the collective “they” say a lot can happen very fast and unexpectedly they aren’t kidding. Like you rlife isn’t yours, you turn around one day and your very recent memories look like someone else, and you have to remind yourself of where you were, what you did and why. Sometimes you can not answer those questions.

Monday– March
-desicion, only just
-whoops. Dan. Black. Ow.   – Stay

March ?

There’ll be no apology, you’ll just turn to me, stoned out to the edge of oblivion.

You couldn’t put your heart on the line, and I’m expected to tie mine to a fraying rope and smile. Watch me give you everything I have left and say I was never a coward of desire.

I don’t like the way you reply “indeed”.  It sounds like “whatever” when there’s no intonation behind it.

I feel like a secret again, kicked under a rug carelessly, even with your smell on my chest and your hood on my head, I walk like a ghost nobody knows of a thing without pride that I could never learn to be ashamed of. And when I frown my heart defensively whimpers and growls but when I smile I beam, sunbeams of your freckled skin, tobacco tongue. And there’s flashes of moments like 40 degree weather that warms bones and seeps through eyelids.
Go on and close your eyes to me. Can you feel my care melt through, even though nobody knows.

I don’t like curtailing my affection+desire because it would probably be “annoying” if I just acted like myself. “Myself” is probably more intense than you could tolerate.

If I put it in words will it start to make sense?  I feel it a fence, around you that I cant cross,
Though it fades when I’m by your side, inside, it hides just behind your eyes.
And in my throat a fear weather or not you’re near and easy to distract but needing constant ‘other’, part of me can’t wait for the freedom of summer. Leaving your magnetic sweetness covered in something harsh and dry I can see right through behind, flying on the plane just the same, as I’ve always done. Then it’ll be done. You’ll be a memory.
And I’ll wonder weather or not to regret you.
And the kinds of ecstasy that gave me nightmares, with you I re-learned how to do.
March 26

“My window is yours to knock on, always”
“I will always keep you warm”

I don’t beleive you

-But I don’t believe you, I don’t believe you-
March 29 or 30

I know I’m alone if I’m with or without you but just bein’ around you offers me another form of relief

Baby you’re bad news
and you’re bad news
Baby you’re bad news
and you’re bad news
I don’t care I like you
and you’re bad news
I don’t care I like you
I like you

March 31
I lean more in the car. That’s okay. I think I am more affectionate. Not more intensely, just more frequently. I wanted to kiss you goodbye on the street, the 20th goodbye kiss or so.

I hesitated, I heard laughter.

Were they laughing at me, my situation, don’t be a paranoid schizophrenic Bella, they’re just drunk. More realistically, did he know them, should I step back. My heart felt sore for a moment, then he said it was okay. Then I was okay.
If I only I could read behind those flint-spark eyes maybe I’d always be ok; or maybe I’d never ever be ok.
April 1 ( 22 degrees)
“Do you wanna go for a drive somewhere?”

You asked me if I wanted to go for a drive. It was like dangling a pop-tart in front of a hungry 5 yr old… I want so badly to have the sun on my head, the windows open, the music so loud I feel it on my skin, the smell of your cigarettes, the road that goes away from here to anywhere. Instead I stuttered through a presentation on fMRIs on Autism, felt the cold seat plastic on my thigh through the tear in my jeans and was reminded of the cheekily lustful expression on your face when I lost my cool, spoke my mind, and gasped that if you did tear them I’d Sharpie on your name and keep wearing them anyway.
You’re away this weekend. I assume visiting V, though I shouldn’t assume. I will try not to ask. You lie by omission, elsewhere probably means her (or something else you don’t want to say) . Maybe I would prefer the whole truth, maybe not. I’m sure she’s lovely to you. Perhaps you make her happy the way you make me happy, except for her sake I hope more steadily, in contrast to my infrequent amazing moments where my muscles relax and I smile before an inevitable re-tensing of my soul, so unsure, so afraid, too stubborn to run.

Will you ever pick up my call and omit truth, saying something sweet instead? I doubt it.

THEY ARE SO UNUSUAL. I am ‘annoying and racist’. WHY DO “THIS”?

  • What do you see in me?

Friday April 2

I’ll find myself another burning gate,
A pretty face, a vague idea I can’t relate,
And this is get what you get for pulling pins,
Out of the hole,
Inside the hole you’re in,

It’s like I’m pressed on the handle bars,
Of a blind man’s bike,

No straws to grab, just the rushing wind,
On the rolling mind,
I cant do this, but that doesnt matter. Can I do my neuro exam? Maybe. yes. DO IT.

and if nothing else the sun is shining, and though not for me it remains fierce, and I love it like I loved piled rocks coated in salt that I scaled by the sea, need it like I need eye contact. It will thaw me memories.


1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

wow… really nice blog…. wonderfully written….Outstanding….
i like it….

Balance of lines…. really awsum…

visit mine… & plz plz plz put your comments…. Thank you…
i’ll be in touch

Comment by sami Alam

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